


You Can't Always Get What you Want.

by FullofCats



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Grant Ward Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-03-31 18:07:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3987700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullofCats/pseuds/FullofCats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Half Dirty Dozen, Kara changes her mind about revenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Desperate Times

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Kara fans who felt the writers used her as a prop and sold her out.

Kara was getting tired of being in the infirmary. It had already been 48 hours and she was tired of being woken up, poked, and drained of blood every time she tried to get some sleep. 

What she really wanted to do was talk to Grant but he had already changed the number and vanished again. She wanted to call him and tell him one thing. He was stupid. She told him everything. He gave her bits and pieces each more horrible than the next. But it wasn't enough to piece it together. She knew he was lied to her, not to manipulate but to cushion her from the truth. She knew it was bad. She didn't like to press it, not with him. 

She had a mission from him. Closure he said, but she had been uncomfortable with it. They had learned from Bahski that Bobbi had sold her out. She had been angry for days, so angry that Grant wanting to make things better, suggested plotting revenge. Part of her wanted revenge, serious revenge. Wanted the revenge they talked about. Wanted Bobbi to suffer for what she had done.

As her time in the SHIELD base went on, that revenge lessened. When Bobbi came to visit her, she saw the sorrow in the other woman's eyes. And there was something else that he had dropped in piecemeal. Words he mumbled while he recovered that made no sense now until pieces of her memory came back too. A mission that had gone bad. A mission she might have the key too. 

He thought she was fragile. She realized he had been as fragile and thought if he let her in, he was going break. He told her more over the months. About his brother, about Garrett. He managed to croak out one of his worst experiences ever. How Garrett held a gun to his head and forced him to choose between his life or his dog. Ultimately he chose his own life but he never felt the same after that. 

“Hey, you look kind of pissed—“ Kara smiled when she saw Bobbi Morse and her smile was almost genuine. She wanted to hate Bobbi. She wanted to hate her a lot. For all the torture she went through, for all the pain, but somehow learning about Grant and how his family and then Garrett had broken him, revenge seemed far away. 

“It’s nothing—“

Bobbi smiled at her. “He did the right thing for you, you know that—Maybe Ward isn’t the worst person in the world, but he has done bad things.”

“I know he has. But so have I.”

“You didn’t volunteer for it.”

“But he hadn’t either. He only joined Hydra to help that girl. The one who shot him.”

“And before that?”

“He had the wrong SO.”

Bobbi looked at her like she was naïve. She realized she sounded like she was making excuses for his actions. 

“Look, I know he’s done bad things. I’m not excusing them. I don’t think he wants to do them anymore but I don’t think he knows how to stop. We’re specialists. We don’t always know when we’re going to cross the line or how to get back if we do.”

Bobbi, being a follow specialist, gave her a look of sympathy. Kara almost felt like she should say something. Tell Bobbi she knew what had happened but right now, Grant was more important. “I know—but I’m not Hydra and neither were you. My grand scheme of things does not involve mass chaos and terrorism.”

“I know—and he knows that now. He didn’t come back because they don’t even consider forgiving him.”

“Who are they? It’s not me. I don’t even know him—“

“His team,” she said. “He wants his team to forgive him.” That was another thing he mumbled while she took care of him. He asked for Skye a lot and sometimes Jemma. Once he asked for Fitz to forgive him. 

“I don’t know if that will happen. He must know it too. He’s done some bad things to them. He almost killed Fitz and Simmons, he kidnapped Skye—“

“So she could see his father.”

“He ordered the bus shot down even after he promised he wouldn’t.”

She shook her head. “He didn’t do that, I did. That’s why Whitehall had him tied up. He knew Grant wasn’t really Hydra.”

“Okay—but still it’s a tall order for his teammates. He should have turned himself in.”

Kara laughed. “Why? So they could erase who he is or put him back into solitary confinement?”

“You don’t know the whole story.”

“Neither do you—“

Bobbi didn’t respond but then finally said. “I’m here because Gonzales wants to see you. It’s mostly about the role you want to play within SHIELD.”

“Okay,” she said. She took a deep breath. This was going to be it. It was do or die. She knew she could easily become a SHIELD agent again and forget Grant completely. 

But no one here was going to go out on a limb for him and he certainly wasn't. It was all up to her.

She followed Bobby to Gonzales office. She could do this. Hydra stole her identity but left her training. Gonzales sat behind a desk. Agent May the woman who electrocuted her was also in the room along with Simmons. Bobbi smiled at her and left the room. She was replaced by a guard. Kara was used to it. Even though she had shown no attempt to act like a Hydra agent, she understood why the guard. Unfortunately it was one more thing to worry about. She assessed the room for threats. The biggest one would be May since she licked her before. The weakest one in the room was Gonzales because of his leg, but of what she could hear there wasn’t a lot of love for him. Simmons would have to be her target. She didn’t want to scare the girl, but desperate times, called for desperate measures. She knew that if she played her cards wrong, she forfeited her life and Grant’s but he took a chance on her, now he needed someone to take a chance for him.

“Sit down, Agent Palamas,” Gonzeles said.

“I prefer to stand.”

“Fair enough.”

Kara moved closer to Gonzales desk though. Simmons stood right next to it. She made brief eye contact and smiled to put her off guard. Then she looked at Gonzales. 

“We know that you’re loyal to SHIELD,” he explained. “But you were influenced by both Whitehall—“ he paused. “And Ward.”

“As you know, Agent Simmons cleared me of Whitehall’s influence. Grant—I think he’s trying to make amends.”

“You have to understand,” Gonzales said and leaned back on his chair. He pressed a button on his disk and a hologram came out. She saw Grant’s picture. She held back a smile of how different he looked, clean shaved and serious. “He was a hydra agent not once but twice.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“Have you ever heard the expression once bitten, twice shy?”

“Yes.”

“How many times is Ward going to bite you before you realizes he’s using you?”

She didn’t know how to answer. Grant was SHIELD a specialist like her. They learned manipulation. She knew when he was trying to manipulated her for good reasons. He convinced her that she was beautiful under the mask. He convinced her to contact her mother when she thought it was too dangerous. He even convinced her to go back into SHIELD.

“He used all of us,” Simmons said, “For Hydra.”

She wanted to say it wasn’t true.

She took a long deep breath. 

No one expected it when she jumped over the desk and nabbed Simmons, and grabbed the gun out of her holster. She looked straight at Gonzales and her face changed to his. She thought she probably looked ridiculous with Gonzales face on her body. 

“Don’t anyone move,” she said, holding the gun hard against Simmons’ temple. “I don’t want to hurt her or any of you but I’m desperate to save someone you won’t.”

“Agent Palamas,” May said, her voice calm. “Put the gun down and let’s be reasonable.”

She didn’t respond. She looked into Fury’s tool box and used the hand not holding Simmons to open a file. A retina scan came though and scanned her eye. When it was done, she returned back to her regular scarred face. Her real face. At least no one gasped.

“Palamas, 13676169999.” The code had come back to her memory very recently. She worked in intelligence beforehand. That was why Hydra took her. She was one of twenty agents who had that code but without the toolbox it was meaningless to Hydra. 

The file came up and she looked over it briefly. “Print,” she said and smiled. As she heard the sound of the printer, she let Simmons go. She expected the icer and she didn’t resist as she went down.


	2. Spiraling

May and Simmons went over to check on the Kara while Gonzales went over to the printer. They lifted her up and put her on a chair. 

“Are you okay?” May asked Simmons.

“I'm fine,” she said. She looked over Kara slumped in a chair. “Poor thing—We all know how charming Ward can be.”

May nodded in agreement. She looked over to Gonzales who was staring at the printout with fascination. 

“Do you want to put her in a cell?” she asked.

“No,” he said, without looking up. “Absolutely not.”

“I don’t understand,” May asked, with confusion in her voice. 

Gonzales finally looked up. “The file she printed out. I’ve been trying to get into it since I got the tool box,” Robert showed no emotion. He never did for anything. May could never tell if he was angry or happy.

“What kind of file is it? And why does Ward want it?”

“It’s a list of Fury’s special covert agents. They were not actually part of SHIELD. When SHIELD fell, these agents were left out in the field, no support and no help. They were effectively burn noticed. I’ve been trying to find this list to bring them home.”

May was still confused, so was Simmons. The door opened and Bobbi came in.

She looked at Kara slumped over in the chair.

“What the hell happened?”

“A little misunderstanding, yet again involving Fury’s secrets.”

“What is it, what’s in the file?” May asked.

“Not what,” Gonzales said. “Who.”

“Who then?”

“Several agents including John Garrett and Grant Ward.”

There was long silence in the room. May didn’t like the look Simmons gave her. She had a look of someone who had done something horrible. May sometimes saw the same look in herself. 

“They were undercover for Fury?” May finally asked. She kept her voice low and calm. “Doing what?”

“All I have is names and the title of the program. Ward and Garrett were in Project Centipede. Three agents were in something called team black—the list goes on. But with the project names I can find the files and maybe find these agents. At least we know where one is.”

“I don’t understand,” Simmons said and her voice cracked. “What were they doing on our team? What was so important? Why were they Hydra—How could they have been hydra if—” 

“It’s what Garrett wanted,” May said. “The GH-325 to save his life.”

“It makes no sense,” Simmons said. May noticed Simmons was near tears. Something about her reaction didn’t sit well. “No sense at all. Fury knew about GH-325. He could have told Garrett.”

“He didn’t. And Garrett needed that formula.”

“And Ward?” Simmons said. “And Ward?” she repeated. 

“If Garrett said this was an order from Fury. It was an order from Fury and Ward would have gone along with it. No questions asked. No matter how high the price.”

“No—“ Simmons said. “No—it’s a lie. It’s a lie. Ward’s a liar. Why didn’t he just tell us?”

“Because he’s spiraling,” Bobbi finally said. “And he’s not going to grab any rope to save him.”

“I don’t understand—“ Simmons said. “What does that even mean?”

“Jemma—“ Bobbi said. She walked over to her and touched her shoulder. “You don’t understand what it’s like to be a specialist. If a specialist starts to spiral, they are pulled out immediately.”

May knew exactly what Bobbi was talking about. She knew if she stayed in the field after killing that girl, the next kill would be easier and then she would stop feeling hurt when it happened. 

“I know what spiral means—“

“No, you don’t. It’s when you go undercover and you become too close to it, you start believing.”

“I just-- he’s a monster.”

“Yes. It happens. You can skate the abyss but you can’t go in. Ward went in head first. And he has no plans to come out.”

“No—it isn’t true.”

“But it can happen,” Bobbi said. “It almost happened to me.” She motioned to Kara. “I got her brainwashed and tortured. I sold out her location to Whitehall to move up in the ranks. Coulson didn’t just pull me out to save you. He pulled me out to save myself.”

May said nothing for a long time, then in a very low voice said. “Bobbi’s right.” Simmons looked her over with tears in her eyes. 

Gonzales moved over to Simmons and actually helped her into a chair. Then he looked at May and Bobbi. “It’s all possible Fury didn’t know Ward and Garrett were Hydra.”

May shook her head. “Fury knew about Hydra—he must have.”

“And he kept this secret from his agents.” Gonzales said. Two men came into his office with a gurney. “Agent Simmons, why don’t you make sure Agent Palamas is comfortable.” Gonzales stopped talking when they took Kara away. He waited until they were gone. “This is what secrets do, Agent May. They tear SHIELD apart.”

“Sir,” May said, ignoring his statement. “I can take a quinjet and retrieve Agent Ward. I’m sure we can find him again. I know we don’t--”

“We can’t do this now—“ Gonzales said and for the first time she saw some emotion in the older man. 

“Sir,” this came from Bobbi. “Look, he’s done bad things, I get that. He did it because he thought they were orders. We can’t leave him alone out there. He needs help.”

“It isn’t that. He’s still dangerous and unpredictable. In the past, we would have a secure facility where he could get rehabilitated. I don’t have that kind of facility anymore. For now—Agent Ward can’t be a priority. We have more pressing matters. I’m sorry. If I had known this before I would have kept him here.”

“What about Agent Palamas? It’s obvious she has trust issues. She needs help too and she’s not dangerous.”

“Same problem I don’t have the facilities for her either.”

“Yes, but since she’s not dangerous, I can take her to where my ex-husband is, put her up in a hotel for a few weeks until he declares her fit.”

“Okay,” Gonzales said. “That sounds reasonable. This is between all of us, right. I don’t want it out yet.”

“Okay,” May said. Although she found it funny Gonzales was keeping secrets.

 

When Kara opened her eyes, she was upright but strapped to something. It took her a moment to realize she was not actually in restraints or in the infirmary or the brig but on a Quinjet. It was empty but she looked forward to see who was flying it. It was Agent May. Kara did her best to avoid being alone with her after their whole horrific fight. On one hand, she had dangerous, but on the other, the incident had left her with the mask fused to her and horrific scars. Kara put her regular face back on before removed the straps and walked up to the cockpit.

“Agent May?” she asked.

“Sit,” she said, not looking at her. Kara did as she asked. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know.”

“We don’t have a lot of time. Gonzales thinks I’m taking you to see my ex-husband who is a psychiatrist. We have to find Ward in that time.”

“Why would you want to find him? All you’ve ever done is call him a monster. You all think that he manipulated me into helping him.”

“You don’t leave a man behind.”

“Oh, now he’s a SHIELD agent again?”

“We didn’t know. He didn’t tell us.”

“Would you have believed him? That man Garrett. He made Grant a killer. And you didn’t think to ask him. He needed help not insults.”

May didn’t respond to that. 

“And I don’t see the rest of his team here. Maybe because they’ll just try to kill him.”

“I haven’t told them all. Simmons might tell Fitz and Coulson. Fitz will tell Skye. They might be more sympathetic to him, but only I can understand. He’s a lot stronger than he thinks.”

“No, he isn’t. Garrett screwed up everything about him. Garrett did horrible things to Grant to groom him to be undercover.”

“It’s okay, he survived. Now, Kara, where is he?”

“You’re not going to like it.”

“Try me.”

“He wanted me to get closure. We were going to kidnap Morse.”

May didn’t say anything right away. Kara could see her grip tighten on the controls. 

“Why?” she finally said. 

“Because when Bobbi gave them the location of a safehouse to move up in Hydra. I was in that safehouse. I wanted vengeance. I wanted vengeance so much that Grant just wanted to make it better, but he can’t, because all he knows is violence. We have to pull him back.”

“Where is he?” she said, her voice tight.

“In Spain.”


	3. You Get What you Need

After being with someone for almost 5 months, you don’t realize how much you miss them.

He had no idea what to do while he waited for Kara. He hated lying to her more than anything. He’d lied so much, a few more didn’t matter. And these were white lies, only to help her. As soon as she found closure that would be it. She would be saved. He would be the monster he’s always been. A monster that needed to be put down, just like his team said they would.

He thought about the best way to end it all. He had been watching the news for days about Ultron. About a kid, barely an Avenger, who gave his life to save someone. Maybe he could go that way. At least be a hero before he died. Maybe they could write on his tombstone “Really wasn’t as bad as everyone said.” He chuckled at that. He wanted to tell Kara the joke, but she wasn’t there.

He wondered if Christian hadn't abused him and Garrett didn’t turn him into a killer, he might have had a chance to be an Avenger. All he ever wanted to do for a long time was save the world and be a big freaking hero. Get his own comic and action figure.

Who was he kidding? No matter how he died, they would always remember him as Grant Ward, agent of Hydra.

The Ultron news at least kept the boredom away. He spent a lot of the day keeping in shape and buying what they needed to help Kara.

He missed her. He missed having a person look up to him for a change. He loved that she knew everything about him and it didn’t bother her. She cried a lot when he told her about Buddy. How Garrett held a gun to his head and made him choose. At the time, she tried to embrace him but he pulled back, but soon he slowly he started telling her more.

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. He wasn’t expecting anyone.

“Grant—“ said a voice on the other side. He rushed off the bed, to the door, and almost broke the chain, but pulled it off at the last moment.

He smiled to see her face, but then stop and took a step back because May stood right next to her and he didn’t understand.

“Grant—“ she said.

He took three steps back into the room. His first thought was that she betrayed him like everyone else.

“Ward,” May said. She put up her hands. “We aren’t here to hurt you or take you in. We promise.”

Neither May nor Kara asked permission to come inside but they did anyway. May shut the door. Kara embraced him tightly but he was looking over his shoulder at May.

“What’s going on?” He said, pulling back. “Kara, they haven’t hurt you?”

She pulled away from him and shook her head. “Grant, they know everything.”

“Know what?” he said, but he knew exactly what she meant.

“About Garrett. That he made you kill people. About what we planned to do to Bobbi. It has to stop, Grant.”

Ward shook his head. He took a seat on the lumpy cheap motel bed.

“He didn’t make me do anything. I did it all.”

“Ward,” May said. “This changes everything.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he said and looked down. Kara sat next to him but he pulled away.

“Before SHIELD fell,” May said, “We had ways of dealing with this.”

“SHIELD doesn’t have the resources to spare for one man. It’s too late to save me. I’ve gone to far. Killed too many people. Nothing I can do will ever fix that. I’m just a fucking screw up. A Nazi who just obeys orders. Maybe I should have let Jemma put me down.”

“Wait, what?” May asked.

Ward didn’t say anything.

“Did Simmons try to hurt you?” Kara asked.

“It was nothing—I brought it on myself. I ruined her world. I ruin everything. All I want to be is Captain America and I just keep ending up like Loki.”

May sat on the bed opposite him. “Get yourself together, just for a moment. What did Simmons do?”

“She tossed a hydra weapon at me. The disintegration one. Bahski took it for me.”

“When?”

“When she was treating Mike.”

May looked away.

“Don’t be mad I her. I deserved it. This is why I always worked alone. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I let my family and Garrett steal all the good inside me.”

Kara sat next to him and put her arms around her.

“Baby—“

“Cut the baby please,” Kara said and smiled. “I know you were doing it for me. Giving me a personality that loved me. I don’t want him, I want Grant Ward. The Grant Ward who held while I cried after being tortured by Whitehall.”

He pulled away from her and moved to the other side of the bed. Kara didn’t follow.

“What were you planning for Bobbi?” May asked her.

“I needed closure for what happened to me. We tortured Bakshi but it just wasn’t enough. I wanted revenge for what she did—But then I met her. Grant, I remembered what you said: That you were a SHIELD agent before Hydra took you. The people at the Playground, they all said you were always Hydra. I realized you were undercover. I don’t care about vengeance anymore— Grant, I want to help you.”

Ward looked down. He was surprised when May touched his shoulder. “Ward-- Go out on a limb and trust me. I promise. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Please Grant,” Kara said. “Why can’t you stop?”

It was Kara who did. He got close to Skye and fell in love with her, but he wasn't his true self. Kara took care of him when he was vulnerable where he couldn’t be a spy, he could only be Grant Ward.

He put his hands over his eyes. “Because I’m a monster. I will always be a monster. Nothing can save me. Skye couldn’t save me. You can’t save me. I cannot be saved. I’m just a twisted broken man who can’t be redeem. I don’t feel anything anymore when I kill or hurt people. I can’t feel remorse for what I’ve done. It’s too late. I can’t ever come back.” He put his head down. “I can’t ever come back.”

When he lifted his head, tears were in his eyes, he choked them back hard. “Kara, after you got closure, I was going to kill myself.”

She held his shoulder. May said nothing.

“I’m just going to keep hurting people. I’m so stupid and horrible. I was going to hurt someone for you. Skye saw me for exactly who I was. A psychopath, a serial killer, a Nazi. She was right to put me down. I don’t know how to stop.” He put his head down again.

He felt a face touch his check. He thought it was Kara but when he looked up it was May and his eyes widened, because she had tears in her eyes.

“You can stop,” she said. “You can. Okay. Because Kara and I will help you. You can stop being a monster. You don’t have to be one.”

“It’s too late. I can’t be who I was anymore. That team protector. He’s gone.”

“Yes, he is,” May said. “You’ll never been him again, but it doesn’t mean you have to be at monster. Look at Kara.” He looked over her face. The scars never bothered him. She was the one that wanted the picture to look normal, but it never bothered him. “If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for her. Be the hero she is meant to have.”

May put out her hand. “Let me help you.”

Ward didn’t move.

“Ward, please,” Kara added. “I know you can stop.”

Ward took a deep breath and took May’s hand.


End file.
